And they want me to pay for this?

I don't understand the concept of self-deprivation and the intentional infliction of pain.  I was reading the new issue of Outside magazine because it had several articles on weather, a subject that fascinates me.  The ads for all the "adventure trips" also fascinated me, but not in a good way.

"We'll have you up and on your bike and peddling your little legs off by 4 AM.  You'll ride 100 miles before we let you stop for a granola bar and some thick, nasty-tasting carb drink.  Mmmmm.  Then it's back on the road, the goal to totally numb your body before the sun comes up.  You haven't hurt until you experience 110 degree heat while peddling for your life wearing a 1/2" wide bicycle seat like it was a cheap thong." 

"And if you ever feel like dropping out, just look around....rattlesnakes and scorpions as far as you can see.  Talk about getting your second wind!  And did we mention the entire 4-day trip is uphill?"

"When you successfully complete the course you'll receive this fine parchment memorializing your achievement, as well as a fake gold medal on a ribbon and an oval-shaped little bumper sticker for your car that says '521.6'.  Your friends will see you in a whole new light!  All this for the all-inclusive price of just $3,400.  Or share the misery and bring a buddy for just $3,399 more."

Or you could just do this:  Send me all the money in your bank account, and I'll send over an ex-con truck driver I know who will beat the crap out of you with an ax handle.  Certificate included.   ;)

S

Every day is an adventure

My days usually start with a Starbucks coffee drink and a computer check to see what happened overnight.  Yahoo, Facebook, blogspot, then the news, all with the TV on in the background.  I used to skip right over the spam folder Yahoo separates from my legitimate email, but recently I've found that's where all the good stuff goes.  For example:

Discreet wife dating.  Why wait have an affair with a cheating wife today.

Despite the grammatical errors, I find this hilarious.  It reminds me of the old Rodney Dangerfield routine where he gets into a taxi and asks the driver to take him "someplace where I can have a 'good time', if you know what I mean.  He took me to my house."

Poor Rodney.

What a kid I got.  I told him about the birds and the bees, he told me about my wife and the butcher.

And Viagra ads.  My spam folder has several in there every day.  Where is Canadiana exactly?  It must be one jumpin' place.  Men popping Viagra from PEZ dispensers, women running for their lives.  I pity the slow ones.

Closer to home, I've learned there are women right here in my town who want to meet me.  What I want to know is, where were these women when I was in high school?  And how did they get my email address?

And lasik eye surgery:  Does anyone ever choose an eye surgeon from an ad in their spam email?  Dr. Liu...."You look good.  No really....you look good.  You like."  Clever.  And the price is unbeatable!

Finally, scooters.  You know, the kind seniors cut donuts in their kitchen with, and ride to the Grand Canyon.   My quality of life would be so much better if I had one.  So they say.  

OK, I'm sold.  Here's my plan:  I'm gonna get me a scooter, stop by Dr. Liu's and get my eyes fixed, then cruise on up to Canadiana for some discount Viagra.  Then once the swelling goes down....in my EYES you pervs!....I'll call that 900 number and say "hi" to Mrs. Dangerfield.

So who's up for a road trip?  ;)

S