Why do scientists always bring us bad news? A joke now and then would be appreciated.

This is NOT the news I wanted to read first thing this morning:

Scientist are warning that another El Nino is forming in the equatorial Pacific Ocean.  As you can plainly see from this satellite photo, an El Nino is a brown stain that forms on the surface of the water, then (I'm guessing) catches fire and scorches places downwind, like Texas.  DAMN!

They say this is looking ominously like the El Nino that formed back in 1997 and darn near fried me to a crisp.  (I'm pretty sure it was aimed just at me.)  I don't like summers in the best of time, and if this is true, this summer will be a sucky one.  I think I'll need to start a Countdown To Fall calendar just to give me something to live for.

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Ha!  I suddenly have a new appreciation of 'ol Mark Twain.  :)

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I'll leave you today with a bit of humor:

The barber was cutting hair all morning and looking out the window of his barber shop on Main Street.  For hours he watched a guy across the street dig a hole, 4' deep and 4' wide, then move on down the street 50' and dig another hole 4' deep and 4' wide, then another, and another after that.

A few minutes later another guy comes along and fills back in the hole the first guy dug, then he moved 50' to the next hole and filled that one in, too.  Over and over.  One guy digs, another guy fills in.

Finally the barber walked across the street and asked what they were doing, digging and then filling in all those holes? 

The first guy said, "I know it probably looks odd, but you see, we work for the city.  We're normally a 3-man crew, but the guy who plants the tree is out sick today, so...."

Have a great weekend everyone! :)

S

Food truck humor

I love to eat off food trucks.  I guess that makes me a foodie truckie foodie.  Unfortunately I have to look long and hard to find one in Dallas. 

While most of the rest of the country has been able to enjoy them for years, upscale hoighty toighty Dallas said they had "health and safety concerns".  (Wake up Dallas....these aren't your daddy's Roach Coaches.)  I'm thinking they only had tax $$$$ concerns.  Just now are we getting a fair selection of food trucks, if you know where to look.

San Antonio, on the other hand, has embraced them.  They have a thriving food truck scene.  And now they have a controversial food truck in their midst:

 

This rolling restaurateur's nom de guerre is CockAsian.

CockAsian specializes in Asian fusion cuisine, and its #1 dish is Asian fusion chicken.  Get it?  Chicken = Cock, Asian = ...er...Asian.  CockAsian.  To some it has a rather unsavory sexual innuendo, and they are, pardon the pun, all "bent out of shape".  (sorry)

I say the joke is on them.  This ^ is Candi Yoder, and she owns CockAsian.  And as you can see, she's very "Caucasian".  Touche, Candi!  :)

I say people these days are waaaaay too uptight.  They no longer have a sense of humor. In some instances, however, I must admit the subject matter is so obnoxious it trumps humor.  One instance that comes to my mind is the controversy over the name "Washington Redskins".

Fortunately good sense has won the day and the football team has agreed to change their name.  Because of all its sick, sordid history, the disrespect, and the hate and venom that name spews, the team has announced that from this day forward they will be known simply as "The Redskins".  :)

G'day friends.

S

But wait. There's more. Call now and I'll DOUBLE the offer!

I'm gonna be rich!  This is a slam dunk, can't miss deal.  It's a noise cancelling device that will bring, to paraphrase Neville Chamberlain, peace to our time.  EVERYONE will want one of these.  OK, are you ready?  Here it is:

Here's how it works:  Whenever there is a aural-borne irritant in your life, such as barking from a stray household pet or a screaming child or just a loud-mouth neighbor, simply aim the yellow nozzle at them, squeeze the blue trigger, and Waa-Laa, quiet!

And it uses no harsh toxic chemicals....it actually runs on plain H2O.  That's right, water!  I have personally Beta tested it on Luke The Wonderdog just this morning and the results were outstanding!  

I can't wait to travel on an airplane again.  That irritating little creature sitting right behind you screaming something about his ears hurting....just one spritz and you can sit back and doze off for the rest of the flight.

I can see a huge market with the clergy, too.  Imagine Sunday service.  The sanctuary is packed.  You're preaching one helluva fire and brimstone sermon, and....Waaaaaaaa....Waaaaaaa.  Simply identify the culprit, adjust the nozzle for long range accuracy, and Pffffffttt!  Quiet.

How about in movie theatres?  The plot is getting intense, you're on the edge of your seat, and ring....ring....hello?  Squiiiirt.  With a little practice you'll be able to not only hit 'em up side the head, but short out their phone, too.

The possibilities are endless.  Look for the all new, Scott's Super Noise Cancelling Peacemaker in stores near you, coming this Fall.  :)

S

Super star or dunce?

Yesterday was Luke's first day at doggie obedience training.  So far the results are up in the air:  He's either A:  Smarter than the instructor, or B:  Dumber than dirt.

The exercise was to get him to sit via "positive reinforcement" (a tiny treat).  We were supposed to tease him with a treat, taking it to his nose/mouth, then slowly moving it back over his head so he would look up...up...up until his butt went to the ground, then say "YES!" and give it to him.  The other 11 dogs performed the trick as advertised.  My dog just backed up. 

There were several other exercises we did that also used treats as rewards.  The other dogs were just lapping it up:  "Look at me....'YES!'....here's your treat.  Over and over...."Look at me....'YES!'....here's your treat."  My dog got filled up with treats, declared "class over", then just sat there watching everyone else.  Once I think I even heard him mumble, "Suckers".

Now if they would just give out diplomas for butt sniffing..... 

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S

Caution: Adult humor....

This is a professional model, not lowandslow.

Did you hear about the handsome Italian guy who met a beautiful blond at a bar in Rome?  Dinner and more drinks finally led them back to his place.

After an hour of lovemaking they both collapsed on the bed, exhausted.  He looked at her and smiled and asked, "You finish?"

She blushed, looked at him demurely, and answered, "No".

Always wanting to please, the Italian stud initiated more lovemaking.  Another hour passed and after seeing stars once more....totally spent....he asked again, "You finish?"

Once more she shook her head and whispered, "No."

Barely able to move he was so exhausted, Giovanni mustered the strength for one more round.  Forty-five minutes later he rolled over, now virtually paralyzed, and breathlessly asked his beautiful lady,  "NOW you finish?"

She smiled sheepishly and said to him, "No, silly.  I'm Australian."

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S  

Am I ahead of my time or just "out there"?

Did you hear about the two snails that mugged a turtle?  During the police investigation when they asked the turtle what happened he said, "Gee officers, I dunno.  It all happened so fast...."

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This must be a slow news day.  Every news network in the world I think has rushed at least one reporter to London to give us a puke-by-puke account of how Kate Middleton's pregnancy is going.  This is just the classic definition of Too Much Information.   I actually feel kinda guilty for not caring.   Maybe I'll send her one of those big, shiny helium balloons in a few months, how's that?

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I recently read an article in the paper about a couple in North Carolina who decided their big 3,000+ sq ft home was more trouble than it was worth.  They downsized "to one that is half that size, cutting their property taxes in half and their aggravation even more."  Been there, done that.

I think I'm more appreciative of not having all the responsibilities a big house comes with than K is.  When we met / married K called my house "a mansion".  Hardly, but comparatively speaking to her it may have been.  All I saw was a lawn that needed maintaining, never ending painting, fixing, updating, etc.  Every storm brought with it a fear of having to possibly deal with insurance adjusters and tree trimmers.  (I damn sure wasn't climbing up there!)

After renting for four years now the idea of building a small house, very small, is slowing creeping back into my mind.  But instead of thinking up all the "things" I could build in, I think about how bullet-proof I could make it, up to and including using those lifetime light bulbs. 

This would work

Or maybe even something more whimsical

The big problem is finding a city that would allow me to build such a small house.  Around here they're all still hung up on zoning for BIG houses.  That leaves building out in the country where they have no zoning restrictions, which has NO appeal to me at all.  I like being a 5-minute-drive away from everything I could possibly want.  I'd actually prefer to be a 5-minute walk away.  I wish the rest of my area would catch up with me and those folks in North Carolina.

S

Little Johnny's baaaaa-ack

The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class.  She called on him and asked, "Johnny!  What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?"


Johnny quickly replied, "NBC, FOX, ESPN, and the Cartoon Network."


S