More grocery store follies....

As I've written about in the past, I do all our household grocery shopping.  Being (sorta) retired I have the time, and frankly I don't mind doing it.  When K grocery shops she just wanders around scratching whatever itches.  There's no telling what she'll come home with.  I go with a list, and I come back with only those things on the list.  :)

I was doing pretty well yesterday until I came to the cereal aisle.  That's where K had requested "normal brand granola".  As opposed to what?  Abnormal brand granola?  I don't remember ever buying any granola before.

On the 50-yard-long cereal aisle I finally found granola.  Oh Crap!  Nature Valley Granola, Wild Roots Granola, Pure Fit, Bear Naked, Cascadia, Go Raw, Heartland, Kashi....on and on.

Ring....ring....

K:  Yo.  Sup?

ME:  Which brand granola do you want?

K:  I liked what you bought last time.

ME:  Whatdayamean "last time"?  I don't remember a last time.  Was it in a bag or a box?

K:  A smallish box, I think.

ME:  Small-ish?  I'll need more than that.

K:  Get the one with raisins in it.

I couldn't find one with raisins.  I found one with dried up little blueberries, though.  She eats breakfast before the sun comes up, and she's usually half asleep....they're both sorta purple/blue....I wonder if she'll know the difference?    

Nah, better not.  With my luck....

Ring....ring....

K:  Yo.  Sup?

ME:  No raisins.  What's plan B?

K:  Just get something you'll like in case I don't.

ME:  Umm....no.  I'm not strapping on a feed bag.  No sirree.

(I bought Nature Valley Oats 'n Honey.  We'll see tomorrow if I'm a hero or a goat.)

Towards the end of the list she asked for "face wash, see text msg for photo"

Cool!  This oughta be a slam dunk!

So I found the soap aisle, and it was Oh Crap! time again.  I found the Neutrogena section....they had body bars, body wash, body scrub, body gel, green tea flavor, pink grapefruit flavor....  *gimme a break*

Then I remembered they had a lotion section a few aisles over.  Maybe it was there.

Ha!  Dream on.  I finally showed an "associate" my picture and she said, in heavily accented jive, "That's over in faces."

WTF does that mean?

Turns out they have a whole section of stuff just to clean faces.  They had Neutrogena facial mask, rapid wrinkle repair, fresh foaming cleaner, makeup remover, daily cleaner, hydrating cleaner....

With a look on my face like a little whipped puppy, a lady with really big hair (hereafter known as Edna) saw my despair and took pity on me ...."What's a matter Sugar?"

I showed her the picture of the stuff I was looking for and she said, "Here ya go Sweetie.  Purifying facial cleaner."

For the record, it was the last bottle left, and it was at about mid-shin shelf height.  (I only buy stuff above waist height.  I have yet to find anything at a grocery store that's worth me bending over for.)  If it wasn't for Edna I'd still be looking.  *thanks E*

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I'm so glad I'm a man.  Cheerios.  Irish Spring top to bottom.  Maybe some of that anti-chafing stuff in the summer.  Life is good.  

Happy weekend everyone.  :)

S

My "man" adventure at the grocery store

I've become pretty confident maneuvering my way around grocery stores.  Years ago my ex gave me a choice:  I could stay home on Saturday mornings with the kids while she did the shopping, or I could take the list and go do it myself.  Poopie diapers, throw up, the screaming (THEM, not me)....it was a no brainer.

Since then I've learned how to make a chart of every section in the store and where everything is (and I keep it updated when they try to trick us shoppers and re-arrange things) and I keep an itemized list of my most commonly purchased things on a computerized checklist.   (Don't get excited, it's just on WORD....I'm still a techie Neanderthal).  Today I think I have things pretty well refined.

But....

As a worthy sequel to The Great Cream Cheese Incident of '82*, K got me good yesterday.

I came back in from being taken on a walk by Luke the Wonder Dog and found the TV was left on one of those (Italian) cooking shows.  The power of suggestion being what it is, I WANTED SPAGHETTI.  I mean the good stuff, the kind K makes.  Only she was working, and I was here doing....well....not much.  My mission was clear!

She emailed me her receipe and instructions and I hit the road.  Buying the meat, the sausage, the onions and garlic, a bottle of wine, and some little cans of tomato stuff was no problem.  Then I hit the wall.

Her list said I needed something called "Italian seasoning salt".

Italian seasoning is that powdered stuff you mix with oil to make salad dressing, right?  Umm....or maybe it's some fancy kind of salt, like from a salt mine in Italy?  OK, try this:  It comes in those little bottles on the "spice" aisle?  The poor little zit-faced kid stocking shelves was no help at all.  After running in circles for half an hour I finally had to break down and do it....call K.

"You're making stuff up.  There's no such thing as 'Italian seasoning salt'.  I have torn this place UP!  This is NOT funny!  You're being mean to me!"  :(

"No, silly," she said.  "Read it again.  It says, 'Italian seasoning' COMMA 'salt'."

Today....I cook.

S

*  "The Great Cream Cheese Incident of '82":  I was sent to the store with instructions to buy "18 oz" of Philadelphia Cream Cheese.  But it only comes in 4 oz and 8 oz blocks.  No combination equals 18 oz.  DUH!  THAT was a half hour of my life I'll never get back!  (What she wanted was 1-8 oz block of Philly Cheese.  Who knew?)

"We just can't have nice thangs!"

I do almost all our grocery shopping and pride myself on never running out of anything.  I know when we're getting low on something and add it to my weekly list.  When we empty a jar of something, for example, you can check the pantry and 99 times out of 100 you'll find another new one ready to go.  "Always Prepared Scott", that's me.

A few days ago I fixed something to eat and couldn't find the Tabasco.  *Gasp*  I know....Tabasco is considered legal tender here in the south, and I had NONE.  Hmm....

Today I was going to fix myself a quick PB&J for a snack on the run and found we had no J.  No jelly?  How could that be?  No strawberry, no grape....none.  What the....?

That's when my CSI-like mind deduced K had been on a refrigerator cleaning spree again.  And I don't mean clean as in "dirty" (it's spotless), but clean as in "I'm tired of looking at this stuff".

DOH!

The next time you get the urge to clean out the refrigerator, dear wife, don't, OK?   JUST DON'T!

Make your list of what you deem not fit for purpose, and I'll make mine, and then we can call in trained negotiators to decide.  

And just for the record, Twinkies have a shelf life of at least 100 years.  Don't even think about it!  ;)

S

Adventures at the grocery store

For years I've done the family's grocery shopping.  I have a system:  I made a map of the store and where almost everything we regularly buy is located.  I keep a list handy and just circle what we need from the store, then go right to it as I know where it is.  Wham, Bam!  Thirty minutes, out the door. 

It worked great....until K entered my life.  She's found a way to subvert my Grand Plan. Here's what she does....she puts on the list something like "X brand Low Calorie" salad dressing.  But when I try to find it on the shelf I find there's no such thing.  There's X brand "Fat Free" and X brand "No Calorie", but no "Low Calorie".  There is, however, a Y brand "Low Calorie".  So what's more important, the brand or the caloric content?  

Thank God for cell phones.  I would just let her do the shopping, but she's a dangerously compulsive shopper.  "Oh look!  Chocolate covered kumquats on a stick!"  When she goes with me our bill goes through the roof.  No, I'm a one-man grocery shopper.

Here's how it went yesterday:

Under "bath soap" she requested "Liquid Dial soap vanilla".  After 10 minutes of looking at every brand, every fragrance on every shelf I finally threw in the towel and called her.  

Ring....ring...."I can't find it.  What's your second choice?"

"No, they have it.  You've bought it there before.  Keep looking."

After another 10 minutes I called her back and told her what her choices were, besides vanilla.

"Mango?"

"No."

"Green Apple?"

"No."

"Lavender?"

"No.  Keep looking."

Grrrrr!

Finally I called her with a long shot...."They have Dial Yogurt (and then in very small letters underneath) "vanilla honey".  Could that be it?"

"YES!  That's it."

"Why didn't you just say that on the list?"

"I dunno."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

She wanted orange juice in the "large plastic bottle".  OK, they had Minute Maid, Tropicana, Simply Orange, and a couple of others, all in large plastic bottles.

*I think it looked like this....no this one looks more like it....no....*

Ring....ring...."Which brand....Minute Maid, Tropicana...."

"Simply Orange"

"Then why didn't you just say Simply Orange on the list?"

"I dunno."

*Let's see...."low pulp", "no pulp", "extra pulp", "pulp fortified with vitamin D(?)"*

Ring....ring...."What kind of pulp?"

"Extra pulp"

"Why didn't you just say that on the list?"

"I dunno."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Finally, ice cream.  She wanted "Breyers drumstick".  Surprise....I couldn't find it.

Ring....ring...."They only have Drumstick brand drumsticks.  What's your second choice?"

"No, silly.  It isn't a "drumstick" drumstick.  It's drumstick flavored ice cream in a container."

"Why didn't you just say that on the list?"

"I dunno."

Ten minutes later....ring....ring...."They don't have it.  They have Snickers flavored, Butterfinger flavored, Heath flavored, but no Drumstick flavored."

"Yes they do. It's in a half gallon round carton.  Keep looking."

"Round?  These are rectangular shaped cartons."

"No, round for sure.  We don't have room in the freezer for a rectangular carton.  Maybe it wasn't Breyers."

Grrrrr!

I finally found it.  It was Dreyers, not Breyers.

An hour and a half later I was back on the road.  I sometimes wonder if she's just pulling my chain?  

S