Thursday, June 27, 2013

The opening salvo of World (cyber) War I

Cyber Command Central, located in a secure underground location in Montana.

It began with an excited, almost hysterical call from a Miz Kelly Park of Frisco, Tx.  She reported that the internet was down.  Not just Facebook, but Google, Pintrest and all the rest were black, too.  An immediate check with CNN, Fox News, and the Home Shopping Network mentioned nothing about the attack, leading Miz Park to believe re-runs had been inserted to make it appear all was normal.  

"It's started", said Air Force Maj. Gen. Ralphie Jordan, head of Cyber Command.

"The Event" had been widely anticipated for quite some time.  China's Peoples Liberation Army Unit 61398, their crack unit of government sanctioned hackers, was immediately suspect.  In past bank hacking incidents the origin had been traced back to a non-descript office building in Bejing, and this is where Cyber Warriors loyal to President Brick O'Bama immediately focused their attention.

Efforts were made to inform the President who is currently traveling in Africa, but nobody in Washington could find the area code for Senegal, and the only State Department official who actually knows where Senegal is was with the President, acting as his guide and food and water taster.  Using Constitutional protocol, Vice President Biden assumed command in Washington during the crisis.

Cyber-nerd reservists were immediately activated and ordered to report to their mother's basements and man their computers.  Auxiliary internet channel 6 was powered up, which fortunately was found to be unfazed by the hostilities.

It was assumed there was chaos in the streets all across America, and perhaps even Europe and Australia, too, but as Twitter was knocked off the broadband no one could be sure.  The fear now is that in 9 months there will be one or more babies born to nerd couples who were so bored without their internet they actually tried sex.

One hour and 38 minutes after it began, Reserve Cyber Officer Sheldon Sakowitz phoned Miz Park and asked her to try tightening the coaxial cable connection to her router.  She did, and the internet surged back to life.  

The investigation continues this morning with forensic cyber-scientists trying to figure out how Chinese infiltrators made it across the border and on to Frisco, TX where they Beta tested their newest internet-crashing technology.

Miz Park is currently negotiating a book deal with the Kindle division of Amazon to digitize her riveting, near-disastrous brush with internet death.   You can pre-order your copy now for WiFi delivery on July 8, 2013.


*Under duress (by Miz Park) I must report portions of this re-creation were slightly enhanced for effect.  But only "slightly". ;)



  1. We're doomed, dooooomed!!!! Someone was saying the other day part of the reason it's so easy to hack government computers is they use such ridiculously easy passwords like "password." I guess the code for our nukes was something really dumb like "0000000" and in Russia they use "12345" a lot. It's frightening to think some 10-year-old goofing off on the computer could start a nuclear war like "War Games" or something.

  2. I smell a made for TV movie. You had me laughing OL this morning!

    And as to that "Someone" who says the gvmt uses "password" as their password...they might be stupid, or "someone" might be completely FOS. PD will not be able to convince me it is not the latter.

    Thx for the laugh.

  3. on another note I might have a slight internet addiction


  4. I am laughing hard over this. My wife would have just yelled "Larry fix this."

  5. I imagine one day the Internet will actually crash and we'll all be screwed. I can't remember how to read a real book---something about turning pages?

  6. This is hilarious :) And you know, accurately reflects my panicky feeling when our internet is down.

  7. To me, the internet working at my house is slightly more important than having a working toilet.

    I totally can relate.

  8. I can remember the time the internet went out ... at night, I can still hear the screaming.