Blowing bubbles. OK, I'll elaborate:
Luke the Wonder Dog needed a bath, and as K had to go to work for a while this morning, I figured, "Fine, I'll give him a bath. How hard can it be? He's only 7 pounds."
Once I caught the little bastard the fight was on. He really doesn't like that shower wand thingy. Too bad. The groomer told me that for in-between visits I could bathe him myself using Herbal Essence shampoo on his body and Johnson's Baby Shampoo on his head. She also said using a soft sponge....not the scrub kind....would make a little shampoo go a long way. No shit! Define "little".
Lather....rinse....repeat on the body, no problem. I got the old soap out of the sponge and opened the new bottle of baby shampoo and squeezed, and....nothing. I squeezed so hard I thought the bottle might explode. Still nothing. Then I realized it must have one of those little removable pieces of plastic on top of the bottle, under the cap.
Ever try to unscrew a smooth plastic top off a bottle of shampoo when you're wet everywhere above the waist and still semi-slimy from the previous shampoo? I finally got one hand dry enough to unscrew the top and sure enough, there it was.
Luke the Wonder Dog needed a bath, and as K had to go to work for a while this morning, I figured, "Fine, I'll give him a bath. How hard can it be? He's only 7 pounds."
Once I caught the little bastard the fight was on. He really doesn't like that shower wand thingy. Too bad. The groomer told me that for in-between visits I could bathe him myself using Herbal Essence shampoo on his body and Johnson's Baby Shampoo on his head. She also said using a soft sponge....not the scrub kind....would make a little shampoo go a long way. No shit! Define "little".
Lather....rinse....repeat on the body, no problem. I got the old soap out of the sponge and opened the new bottle of baby shampoo and squeezed, and....nothing. I squeezed so hard I thought the bottle might explode. Still nothing. Then I realized it must have one of those little removable pieces of plastic on top of the bottle, under the cap.
Ever try to unscrew a smooth plastic top off a bottle of shampoo when you're wet everywhere above the waist and still semi-slimy from the previous shampoo? I finally got one hand dry enough to unscrew the top and sure enough, there it was.
Next hurdle: The little piece of plastic had a tiny extension that you're supposed to pull to get it off the bottle. Tiny, as in maybe 1/16". I have man-hands and short fingernails. Needle-nose pliers? They're in the other room, and remember I'm wet and soapy. Plan B?
I did what any man would do....I used my teeth. I bit it and pulled, and I suppose the built-up pressure from my powerful earlier squeeze caused a glob of shampoo the size of a quarter to shoot up into my mouth. Blech! Blech! Spit! Spit! I'm trying to tell the dog to just stand there and quit shaking and all I'm doing is blowing bubbles. I grabbed the shower wand and aimed it at my face, hitting myself and the wall behind me, too. By now the dog's probably thinking, "And you call me the dumb one?"
An hour later I finally got the dog dried off and the bathroom mopped down. Then I spent another half hour eating stuff (an Almond Joy) and drinking a Coke, trying to get that soapy taste out of my mouth. I'm afraid my taste buds are permanently injured.
I'm gonna write that baby soap company and tell them they ought to give their shampoo a flavor in case this thing ever happens again to some other unsuspecting man. Like maybe beer, or guacamole.
"How hard can it be?" my ass.
S
First off I hate those plastic things. Blame the asshole who poisened tylinol 40 years ago.
ReplyDeleteSecond, stop washing your dog. They only smell like dog the next day anyway.
Third stop calling the little bastard a little basterd...he is a son-of-a bitch.
I knew that if I waited long enough you'd get around to writing a "fluff" piece. Fluff & Dry! This was really funny and a joy to read. By the way, an icy cold gin martini will get that soapy taste out of your mouth in a snap.
ReplyDeleteOK I'm howling here - that was really funny. And exactly the kind of thing that would happen to me. I keep scissors in the bathroom for JUST this reason :)
ReplyDeleteHahah.....I wish we had some video of this! Thanks for the smile :)
ReplyDeleteThat's funny as hell, Scott. I hate those tiny tabs that are supposed to make it easy to rip off the plastic cap. I usually break one and have to use a knife to whittle out the stuff. Not advisable if you're wet and soapy!
ReplyDeleteI can never get those pulled off even with dry hands, the pocket knife comes in handy, but in your situation, wet hands, wet dog plotting his escape, baby shampoo bottle in one hand while screwing off the lid with your teeth, how are you supposed to get the pocket knife open---now I see why Cindy wont let me wash the dog anymore :)
ReplyDeleteThis was funny my friend.
LOL! But you have to admit, this story would have been even more funny if Luke were a cat!
ReplyDelete