Thursday, March 21, 2013

I fought the lawn and the lawn won

Ahhh.....spring.  That time of the year when we all have visions of turning our hum-drum yards into showplaces like this:



Nurseries and the garden departments at the home improvement stores call this the "100 days of hell" as people come out of the walls buying plants and new sod and seeds.  I've been there myself.  Fresh air, sunshine, being outside without sweating....wonderful!


  But by early August, however, my song was more like "I fought the lawn and the lawn won."

At some point in history somebody....I'm guessing maybe Karl Marx or one of Adolph Hitler's ancestors....decided we didn't have enough to do just surviving and should spend hours and hours outside every week manicuring the field in front of our houses.  Bastards!

Here was an average summer week for me:  Wake up on Friday morning at 5 am, ready to mow as soon as the sun popped it's head.  By 9, dripping wet due to the early morning 99 degree heat, I had mowed, edged, weed-whacked, de-weeded the flower beds, and blown all the grass residue down the street where in theory it would somehow magically disappear.  This gave me Saturday and Sunday free.

But because Southern Botanical had come and fertilized my lawn the week before and it had come a little rain shower on Sunday evening, by Monday my yard was looking pretty shaggy again.  Naturally all my neighbors were in a headlong competition to win the Yard of the Month from our HOA, while I was just hoping to not come in dead last.  

So Monday evening at 7 pm, as the temp was on it's way down from its mid-day hell-on-earth 105, I was back out with that damn lawnmower, just hoping the guy across the street and two houses down would let his go, assuring me #119 to his #120.

Screw buying flowers when I had little yellow ones popping up everywhere for free.  Yes indeed, I definitely had a green thumb.  Johnson grass is green.  So is crabgrass.  And I learned I was quite the entomologist, too.  I always had chinch bugs, grub worms, and other assorted crawlies cavorting all over my yard like it was their Six Flags.  WooHoo!

I finally had my "gesundheit" moment (my 600th sneeze of the week +/-) and threw in the towel.  I hired a yard-mowing crew to come weekly and do all those lawn chores I so hated.  I timed them....their truck came to a screeching halt out front, 3 guys jumped out, and in 14 minutes they had done all those things that used to take me 3 hours. 

Sorry kids, but I spent all your inheritance.  And loved every minute of it.  F__k you Karl Marx!

S

11 comments:

  1. The simplest solution is not to have a lawn. Anyway there's not much people can do up here as it's supposed to snow next week. I need to go on a trip to Pennsylvania and murder that stupid groundhog who promised an early spring.

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    1. That's exactly what I did, PT. I sold my house and now live in a vey nice apartment. :)

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  2. hasn't had a yard in almost 4 years.....and your still having flash backs?

    k

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  3. I was just saying to Mike that we're going to need to mow soon :) Last year we went for a month in the summer without mowing - no rain. Fortunately we live in a mixed neighborhood of drive-way edgers & weed artists.

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    1. If I had gone a month without mowing grass would have been waist high. I could make a strong case for everyone having a goat for lawn maintanence vs. a lawnmower.

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  4. Great post, brought back many crappy memories. We now have a town house association take care of the grass and I don't miss it one bit.

    And fie on the wives who always point out how nice Mr. Clydes yard always looks. THAT IS HIS FRIGGIN HOBBY!!! It's not mine! Mr. Clyde has a shitty golf swing!

    Anyway...excellent post made me laugh and appreciate the The Association as well!

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    1. Thanks Big Joe.

      To me lawn mowing as a hobby would rank right up theire with ripping out your own fingernails as a fun thing to do. I'll pass.

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  5. I'm clearly a minority, in that I actually like lawn and garden work. I look forward to it.

    Don't hold it against me. I'm prodigeously lazy in many other ways.

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    1. You're probably not in the minority on this matter Geez. I had neighbors who worked in their yards 7 days a week as therapy....they found it relaxing. Hey, to each his own. ;)

      S

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  6. Yard work reminds me of how Joan Rivers (I think) once described house work: "It's the pits...you wash the dishes, mop the floors, vacuum the carpets, dust the furniture...and dammit, six months later you have to do it again!"

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